As most of you now know, Stanley, my little family and I were sealed for time and all eternity. It was the most incredible day of my life, but the months leading up to it, were not. I had so much fear!! Did I want to be sealed to this man that hurt me so much, for ETERNITY?! Did I want to be sealed to this man, who a few months prior to our sealing was signing the divorce papers I had given him?! How did we get to where we were going so quickly, and was I making the biggest mistake?? I remember kneeling by my bed one night, and saying, I will go forward in faith. I have absolutely no clue what is ahead, but I will continue to keep the commandments and live how I know to be right, and have faith that whatever is suppose to happen, my Heavenly Father will take care of me. And if it wasn’t suppose to be, it wouldn’t be. So the day of our sealing came and I remember thinking, “okay. You brought me to this day, so I will go forward”. Still unsure if that’s what I really wanted, all I had to ride on in that moment was FAITH that it would be okay.

I always thought I had faith before then. But I never had to jump off a cliff, having no clue what and if anything was going to catch me, only having FAITH that I would be okay. And that’s what that experience was for me. I went to the edge of the cliff and jumped. I learned what having faith really means.

The way my Heavenly Father has taken care of me and my family has been more than I could have hoped for or expected. He has shown me that following with true faith is the way we should go. But in life, comes life. And some things fade into the background with out even realizing it. We bought a house a few weeks ago, and are MOVING!! We have 10 new puppies+a dog. My husband has started a few new business adventures and works non stop! My 3 year old gives me a constant headache (good thing he is so gosh darn cute) and my baby girl has an ear infection what feels like every other week!! With all of these things going on, I have felt completely helpless. I can’t control anything in my life and have become overwhelmed to say the least. I have found myself praying and praying for things to happen that I want so badly to happen, and having “faith” that they would happen, if I asked hard enough. I wasn’t meaning for that to be the intention, but I realized that’s exactly what I had been doing. Faith had become just a word. I wasn’t using it as I now know how to truly use it.

When I was praying about getting sealed, not once did I say “this is what I want to happen” Instead I went forward saying, lead the way. I had no clue as to what should happen. I had zero control. I had decided to give the control to God. Having faith is truly giving your life to God. Sometimes you might want things, that you don’t receive. But having faith is knowing that he knows what’s better for us than we do. My favorite saying that I have mentioned many times before is “let go and let god”. He won’t do for us what we can do for ourselves, but if we do our part and truly live the way we know to be best, and give the rest to him, he WILL take care of us. Maybe not today, tomorrow, or even this life. But if we go forward with faith, faith in HIM and HIS will for us, he will take care of us. In better ways than we can even imagine.

With Love,

Jocelyn

August 1, 2015. The darkest days of my life were surrounding me, Stanley’s drug addiction had fully taken over and his life was hanging by a thread. His family had called a meeting to talk about Stanley’s suicide attempt the previous Wednesday which had left him hospitalized and beyond fragile. They had just become aware of this world that I had been living in for so long, and I knew they would be upset, with a lot of questions. I hadn’t told them about anything we were dealing with, mostly out of fear of my husband. He did not want me talking to anyone about anything, and I was the master of doing whatever he asked of me, trying to keep the peace. Staying silent was one of his main requests, so much so, that I was threatened if I didn’t. So I sat there in silence, and decided to write his family a letter explaining what I had so badly wanted to explain for years. A letter that I planed to drop off that night to have them read together.

Stanley’s visitation hours were very strict. He was on constant watch with little to no freedom. I had already planned to go visit him that day, so I decided I would still visit him and take the letter to the family after. This was the visit I said the words “You have 90 days to fix what is broken”. Having the peace I felt when I said what I said, I knew he needed this. Maybe it was just to get him healthy for himself and for our children. I didn’t know. But whatever the reason, I left the visit knowing I wouldn’t be delivering the letter, at least “not today”.

As we were sitting in bed the other night, Stanley came across my letter. I can’t really put in to words the emotions that took over as we read it together. It took us right back to that day, August 1, 2015. We both were overcome with gratitude as we looked back on all of the miracles that have happened since that day. All of the miracles that we KNOW came from our Heavenly Father and Savior.

Miracles keep happening and are constantly blessing me and my family. I am SO grateful and still have to pinch myself at times. If you would have told me I would be where I am today 3 years ago, I wouldn’t have believed you, and I would have shown you this; The Letter I Never Sent…

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“Dear Havili Family,
I want to start by saying how much I love and am thankful for each of you! I am so lucky to have you as my family. But as most of you have now found out, Stanley and I are separated, and have also been talking about getting a divorce. This isn’t something that just came up. It has been going on for a very long time, and I have been fighting and fighting to stay and work through it, I promise.
I don’t think it’s necessary for you to know in detail things that have been said and done over the last 10 years, but I finally came to a point back in February where I just had to stand up for myself and not allow it anymore. I want you all to know that I have given him chance after chance, lies after lies etc. and he just continued to hurt me. I have begged him to get help, but he would flat out say he wasn’t ready to change and wasn’t ready to give up the drugs, even if it meant losing us. I know he didn’t truly mean any of it, and I know he didn’t mean to pick drugs over me and our kids, but that’s exactly what he keeps doing. And it’s not just drugs. There have been other addictions as well. I know he has an illness and I know there are deeper issues but I always felt like he was using me as his punching bag instead of facing the real problem and trying to fix it.
I always tried really hard to be very careful around him each day, not knowing what kind of day it was going to be for him. I tried to be loving, positive, supportive, all the things I thought he needed from me. But, I was just enabling him. I wish I would have told you all sooner and I am so sorry that I didn’t. Stanley did not want me telling anyone, and I would do as he said hoping that by doing what he wanted, he wouldn’t get upset. I probably handled every thing completely wrong, I just didn’t know what to do.
Stanley always says that I am the reason he uses and I am the reason for what he did Wednesday morning. I don’t want to have that effect on him because I love and care about him so much! I want him to be healthy, safe and happy! That’s all I have ever wanted. With all of that said, I obviously want to be a part of his recovery to show my love and support, but I just want whats best for him. And I don’t think, right now in time, that I should be involved.
My heart is where it is and even though this awful, awful, thing happened, I am going to continue forward and file for divorce. I can’t stay with him just because I am scared of him and what he is capable of doing. I won’t live like that any longer.
I have been talking to some counselors, specialists, and doctors  to see when the best time for him would be to receive the papers. Because again, his safety means everything to me. A few of them have said to do it asap while he has so much attention, love and support around him, so it will be happening soon. That is not going to be easy, so he is really going to need you guys more than ever because I know this will be hard on him. Especially since in the hospital he was still threatening his life and wishing that he would have died. He needs some serious help moving forward so again please come together and help him!         I want you all to know, as I have told him a million times, I am NOT going to take his kids away from him. I wouldn’t even dream of doing that! However, until he is clean and healthy, I do think it is best that he is with family and is supervised when with our kids. So I am asking you to be there with him so that he can see his kids, as much as possible! They love him and need him. Not only would I not take them away from him, but I would not take him away from them!
I really do love Stanley and care about him more than anyone will ever know. I always have and I always will. But this is what I feel is best.
Again I love you all so much, and I apologize for doing this through letter. I just knew I wouldn’t be able to do it in person because I care so much about you all and wouldn’t be able to say what needed to be said.
Thank you for your love and support.

“Our Savior will help us. He is the great mediator, and He is able to soften hearts and heal wounds. He knows how to bring people to a unity of heart and mind”-Healing Through Christ pg.83

As with most marriages, we have ups and downs. Unfortunately, for us it always seemed like more downs than ups. First off-I went from having the coolest, most fun jobs in LA, to being all alone and pregnant in Philadelphia! All the way across the country from anyone that I knew! And then I had a baby. Which honestly rocked my world. Being a new mother is the most AMAZING thing I have ever done, and my daughter was the best baby I have ever heard of or met, but it was still hard. It’s the biggest change you will ever experience in your life. Long story short, Depression became my best friend.

The NFL is a lot of fun, but also a lot of stress. Stanley was under so much pressure, and didn’t know how to handle all that was happening with me and a baby and his job. Then, he was TRADED. You hear about it happening all the time, but when it happens to you and your family, for the first time, every emotion possible takes over. But, Stanley did what he usually did–don’t talk about it. Numb out. So long story short, numbing out became Stanley’s best friend.

We started our next journey in Indianapolis. The stress didn’t go away for Stanley, if anything it increased. And there I was, with a baby, in a new place, all alone, all over again. Words can’t really explain the roller coaster that I had been on up to this point! Then I got pregnant, again. I thought I was never going to be able to catch my breath! I found out in Nov. that I was expecting, and then in January, Stanley was injured with what most would call a “career ending injury.” He shattered his entire shoulder. The blade, the socket, you name it, into 100+ pieces. So we had to prepare to fly to Cali for him to get surgery done by a specialist that we searched the country to find. So there I was, having to move us across the country while being sick 24/7 because of my pregnancy, with my 1 year old daughter, a dog, and a 250-pound patient/husband that literally couldn’t move. It was one of those life moments where you are waiting for Ashton Kutcher to come out and say you’ve been punk’d.

I wanted to curl into a ball in a cave and never come out. I didn’t know how to go on. Then, it got worse.

Stanley was given pain pills, lots and lots of pain pills, as he should have been after having such a traumatic injury. The pills that I thought should last a life time disappeared. I asked Stanley about it and he said he got rid of them. Months later, Stanley came to me telling me he was addicted. He told me he has actually struggled with addiction before, but had never talked to anyone about it. I appreciated him telling me, but I didn’t really understand. He told me he was done with it all, so I believed him and just went on with life. I kept my focus on my pregnancy and 1 year old daughter while trying to just keep my head above water. Sadly, things just kept getting worse and worse. The lies kept getting worse and worse, our marriage kept getting worse and worse, his addiction kept getting worse and worse. I thought having our son would help things. For me it did, because it gave me something to focus on! But Stanley was battling a war all on his own. He buried so much shame that he just wanted to be numb from it. And numb he was. He was checked out in every way of the word. Things kept happening and I could no longer live in denial or be blind to it. I knew exactly what he was up to and kicked him out. I wasn’t going to stand by his actions any longer or allow him to make these decisions with our kids around. It got to a point where I had done all I knew how to do, and told Stanley that I was preparing for things to be over.

Months passed and the days got darker and darker. I tried to read a little on addicts and it just kept saying  they need to hit “rock bottom” for things to change! I would think “HOW IS THIS NOT ROCK BOTTOM?!” I couldn’t imagine things being any worse than they were. Then my world stopped. Stanley hit his “rock bottom”. He was taken to the hospital, then taken to a rehab facility. Those were the worst days of my life. I was so scared and felt so alone. I know we are constantly being watched over, but this was the moment I completely surrendered and opened the door to our angels in heaven.

I was still moving forward with the decision I had made prior to this happening. When you file for divorce, you are given 90 days to pull the papers before they are finalized.  I didn’t even think about the possibility of pulling the papers. When I went to visit Stanley, I had no intention of talking about anything I had decided to do as I wasnt sure that was the right place or time. But for some reason, I told him he had 90 days to change my mind. 90 days to save what we thought was lost. No clue how those words came out of my mouth, but they were words that needed to be said. Because in that moment, I saw a glimmer of hope in his eyes. I knew we had an angel, or many, among us, fighting for and with us.

Almost overnight it seemed, my husband began to change.  He transformed into the man I always knew he could be.

I started growing and changing as well. I decided to start going to addiction meetings for family members. There, my eyes were opened to this disease and I started to understand that war my husband had been fighting. I also learned about my own recovery, and what was needed for me to heal. I found love again! My heart was softened and I let Stanley back in. We were healing as individuals, but this is where we started healing our marriage. Living in this new light came with so much joy and love. The ups finally started to conquer the downs.

I have lived through some of the darkest days imaginable with addiction, but I am now living in some of the brightest. We continue to see miracle after miracle in our lives and are constantly in Awe of our Savior, Jesus Christ and his atonement.  I feel so fortunate to have had a positive experience from addiction but I know that this will be a part of our life forever. It’s not a destination, it’s a Journey. A journey that I am truly grateful for. With out it, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

I chose to share my story in hopes that it can help someone out there who is or who knows someone who is struggling with addiction. Know that you are not alone, and the way to win this war is through the help of your higher power, mine being my Savior, Jesus Christ, and through His example of LOVE.

My favorite quote that I have learned from my experience thus far is “LET GO & LET GOD”.  In all things, including times of total darkness, just give it to God. Have faith and know that with him, everything, and everyone, will be taken care of.

With Love,

Jocelyn Havili

If you have any questions for me or my husband please email us babiesnblush@gmail.com

See my husbands story here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbVSB0f0XRo

Click here to watch some amazing recovery stories https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/12-steps-to-change?lang=eng

Learn more about our religion on http://www.mormonchannel.org

Find a meeting http://addictionrecovery.lds.org/find-a-meeting?lang=eng

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/find-a-meeting

High school sweethearts, raise your hand. *raising my hand*  And we even go back a little bit more. We have known each other since 9th grade!! I remember the day I met Stanley. My crush on him was instant. He will finally now admit that he felt the same way! Ha-ha! However, I always had a boyfriend and he always had a girlfriend. It wasn’t until our senior year of high school when we were both single and finally were able to give it a go! And- we’ve been together ever since!

Stanley is an athlete. An amazing one at that. He was offered a scholarship to the University of Southern California- USC- right out of high school! I got a job dancing for the Utah Jazz, so we decided to give the long distance thing a try. We did for 4 years. And it was 4 years too long. So I finally decided to move to Cali, where I got a job dancing for the Los Angeles Clippers. Finally living near each other, we had so much fun! Then, Stanley was drafted to the Philadelphia Eagles. So long distance we thought would just be our thing. Not for long. We ended up getting married, I moved to Philly, and we had our daughter, Holiday, all with in that next year. To say it was insane would be an understatement.

After living in Philly for a little over a year, Stanley got traded to the Indianapolis Colts! I decided to put my dancing shoes back on and try for the Indiana Pacers dance team. I made the Pacemates, and had such an incredible experience with that organization! My season with them however, didn’t last too long. I got pregnant! Surprise!! So I hung the dancing shoes back up and got ready for baby #2! My son, Hinckley, came and the madness just continued! He got whopping cough at 1 week old, at the exact same time my daughter had hand foot mouth. Did I mention this all happened while Stanley was away at football camp? yeah- it wasn’t Awesome. Ha-ha! But we survived that chaos, only to learn that we were traded again. Next stop, Seattle! For a month. madness continued.

From the time we met, until January 2015 our life had been a giant roller coaster, and has really continued to be a roller coaster(Just a little bit more of an enjoyable one 😉 haha) We were sealed for time and all eternity, we bought a house, a dog, had our third baby Haven, had 10 puppies, and are going to be moving AGAIN in 2 weeks!!  Ahhh! But I am so incredibly grateful for all of our experiences we have had along the way, and for all the memories we have made!

Our story is far from over, and I can’t wait for what is next! So here is to new adventures! With my family by my side, I wouldn’t have it any other way!

I took a break from my blog. Why you ask? Honestly, because I saw the million other bloggers out there, who in my mind are perfect. And I thought, I can’t do this. I am not good enough, talented enough, interesting enough, etc. My sweet husband is the king of quotes and knowing exactly what to say at the right time to make me check myself. ha-ha. In his recovery he heard a quote, that one day when I was getting so down on myself and the things I was or wasn’t doing, he looked at me and said “Comparison is the thief of joy”. It basically smacked me in the face. I realized, Holy smokes, I could go on and on in detail of all of the things I have compared myself to throughout my life, that have contributed to me being so unhappy!! I never had confidence because, compared to everyone else, in my mind I just kind of sucked. At everything.  And now as a mother, it has been worse than ever!!

COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY!! So, I am here to say my house is a total disaster. I have like 5 decorations that are so outdated they just aren’t cute anymore. In fact, they aren’t even on display. They are in the same place they have been for years. My garage. Laundry of my non-stylish clothing has been partially done, and will probably sit in the basket on our floor until I need the basket for another load. My hair is currently a dirty mess in a bun on my head (yep, I wore it like that to church), and I am wearing a shirt that has holes because it lost a battle to my washer/dryer. I still have baby weight that, let’s face it, ain’t goin’ nowhere. I am going to continue to take and post pictures from my Iphone and will try to filter the heck out of them so I can look somewhat decent (unless my sister is in town, then I will definitely ask her to professionally edit. ha-ha) My kids, who I love more than life, have been living off of chicken nuggets and corn dogs. They are outside wearing shirts from last year that don’t fit and are covered in stains, while not wearing pants or shoes. Our puppy (cutest thing) pooped inside, and my son decided to join her and take off his poopy diaper and add his flavor to the mix. Awesome. I am going to have 3+ rolls at dinner, WITH butter, and I will enjoy every bite.

What I am trying to say is whatever you are doing today is good enough. Don’t compare yourself to anyone!! Know that you all have our own “perfect-ness”. And I know that my life is “my-kind-of-perfect-ness,” Pinterest fails and all.  I wouldn’t have it any other way!!